Good intentions

24/02/2012 17:44

 

I've decided to stop my medication...No more pills, no more legal drugs, no more "happiness in a magic bottle"...It doesn't work on me.

I want my life back, i want myself back, I want to be alive in a few weeks time but if i keep on taking these drugs, i won't make it to spring time.

I hate the way depression affects me, the way it makes me feel, I hate to depend on people's good will, people's love, to depend on everything, mentally and physically...

I don't know how to heal from this, and I don't know why it has happened to me, for i've always been a strong person, willing to live and make big things...I don't know how i became this fragile pathetic little thing that i hate to be...But i want to get out of it and i know that drugs like Prozac, Lyzanxia, Fluoxetine, etc, make me feel sad, make me feel useless, make me feel tired and sleepy, make me feel ugly, make me feel suicidal, make me feel so fucking lonely...

I want to make music, i want to sing, i want to create beautiful things, i want to get closer to the life i've been dreaming of, i want to be loved, i want to be proud of myself, i want to exist...I don't want to disappear....I don't want to disappear.

It's not going to be easy, because my body will ask for its daily bread, and my brain will not understand what's happening, why i try to stay clean...But It's a matter of survival now, and i'm not kidding.

Doctors , I wonder if they really know what they're doing...I have an appointment with my counselor, next week, and i bet she won't be happy to hear i want to stop swallowing her pills...But i'll hold on, because if i cut myself again, or if i kill myself, she won't be there to save me, she won't give a damn, and her pills are not magic.

I need a break, from some people of my family, from a lot of things...I wish i could afford to travel far, very far away, at least for a few days, all by myself, remember what it is to be part of this world.

I hope I will be strong enough to get out of the blue...I want to feel home, somewhere, someday.

 

Sujet: Good intentions

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